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community building

11/30/2023

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By R Feynman
Last month, I led the first of what it seems will become a series of “social hour” type events for members of the greater Hav community. 

A key part of the Hav is the community and the strong connections built within it. Since COVID, I’ve felt a struggle to build strong connections with anybody, especially as a disabled person with a respiratory illness. I was lucky enough to find the Hav well before the pandemic, but I only became a full member in the last year. I realized that while I know a good number of the people who go to davening on Saturday mornings, there’s lots of Hav folks who I just haven’t overlapped much with. We’re also moving into winter, when Hav services are split between in-person and Zoom participation, and it feels harder to maintain organic connections when half of the participants are behind a screen and the other half aren’t. 

We were discussing this issue in a meeting of the Membership committee, and I realized that I wanted to help solve it. The solution had to be on Zoom, so all the Zoom-only people could make it. It couldn’t be Shabbos related, so that shomer Shabbos people could attend. I didn’t want to make it something tightly focused on a specific topic, because then we’d learn more about the topic than one another. I also wanted to create the opportunity for small groups to break off, the way that schmoozing happens naturally after services, rather than maintaining one large conversation. I wound up creating an agenda that balanced all of these needs, seemed fun, and was adaptable whether we got 3 people or 30. 

The meeting started well! We had about 25 attendees; some who had been going to the Hav for several decades, someone whose first Hav event had been services the day before, and everything in between. We went around and did quick introductions, but then as is always the way, we had some tech issues! My plan for breakout groups was foiled by not having enabled them beforehand. Thankfully, while I was flustered, somebody (Bev?) recommended we all just do one of the activities together, and do the breakouts another time. 

The activity we did was “show us an object that represents something you’re proud of, or has a good story behind it.” I didn’t have a strong vision for what that might mean, and I’m glad I left it open. We saw family photos, kids’ art, ketubot, family heirlooms, important books, fiber crafts (including a huge quilt!), and a crested gecko. I feel like I learned a lot about everyone who shared - both the people I’ve spoken with a lot, and the people I’d never met. I certainly came away feeling like I’d have something to chat about with everyone who attended, and I hope everyone else did as well. 

SInce the last one was a success, we’re doing it again. Join us on Saturday, 12/9 at 6 pm for another super cool and fun community building hour! Expect it to last about an hour. It’ll be on a differen Zoom link than usual - please email [email protected] to get the Zoom link.

This time we will have a (loose) Hanukkah theme. We’ll start with lighting Hanukkah candles and doing introductions, and then move into a series of breakout groups to facilitate smaller conversations, which will probably follow the intended format for the last meeting.

If you attended the last one and have feedback, or if anyone has ideas about the future of these community-building sessions, please let me know at [email protected]

R Feynman is a member of Havurat Shalom.
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restorative justice and atonement

11/5/2023

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by Ruth Abrams
I was going to write up a blog post about current events, but I find that I can’t breathe at all when I attempt to do that. Instead, I’m sharing my notes from Yom Kippur morning.

This year, I am doing some tutoring for b’mitzvah. One of my students is going to be reading from the book of Genesis, the portion of Vayera, a part that we coincidentally read on the first day of Rosh HaShanah, and the other student is going to be reading from the book of Leviticus, the portion called Aharei Mot, the first chapter of which we read on Yom Kippur.

I therefore had to explain some of the key ideas of Leviticus about atonement, and how they are different from what we do today. It was the first time that I’ve referred to animal sacrifices as “bribing God with meat,” but it will certainly not be the last time I do so.

I had a thought as I was trying to explain why the ancient Israelites offered sacrifices to atone for their sins. Why were these ancient people doing all these mysterious rituals to atone? Wouldn’t it just be easier to try to improve themselves, to repair their connections, to make things right?

I think the answer is probably no! It doesn’t seem very easy.

Friends who grow up in the Christian tradition experience a lot of negative emphasis on the need for the person who is offended to forgive. Now, I’ve read a few works on Jewish ethics, not many, but the focus in those texts is just like the focus of Yom Kippur. It’s on the person who did harm, about our individual and communal struggles with that role. If we do wrong, what can we do about it? 

These are some questions I found online that people doing restorative justice work can ask someone who has done harm:

What happened?

What were you thinking at the time?

What have you thought about since?

Who do you think has been affected by what you did? In what way?

What do you need to do to make things right?

How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?

Can you see why someone might have chosen not to ask these questions? Isn’t it a little easier to fast than to have to ask yourself that very first question, “What happened?” What if there is nothing you can do to make things right?

These are the questions to ask someone who was harmed:

What did you think when it happened?

What have you thought about since?

How have you been affected?

Who else has been affected?

What’s been the hardest part?

What’s needed to make things right?

How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?

What if you can’t reach the people who have been harmed? If they are far away, if you didn’t know them, if you will never meet them, then what? Can you get help from someone you have harmed to make sure you will never participate in harming them again? That seems so hard on them.

This is why we ask God for forgiveness, and we don’t ask alone, but as a community. Because if someone is asking you, “What happened?” you want them to say, “What happened, honey?” You want to be in a close relationship with the person asking you that.

Once when I used to be a parent…I’m still a parent! I used to be a parent of a young child. Once a long time ago, my child actually said out loud, “Mommy, I really need you now,” because they were sad. Because something went wrong in an interaction with someone else, and I was the best person to make them feel better in that situation. (Which was something I found surprising and never forgot.)

This is why I lean into malkhut and images of transcendence on Yom Kippur. I want someone else to be the adult, someone who is on my side and will back me up. Someone who is bigger than I am, and someone I know will care about the people I might have harmed even if I cannot reach them and be in the room with them.

Restorative Justice offers a very compelling model for resolving harm. Yet sometimes when it is put into practice, people have strong critiques about the ways it pressures the person who has been harmed to accept the repentance of the person who has harmed them. We have to keep attempting new methods to make things right, whether we are the ones harmed, the ones who harm, or the observers.
Ruth Abrams is a long-time member of Havurat Shalom.
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